After being away from home for 6 days, I met with my son and had a conversation with him. I told him that if he could speak to his boss and get his job back that the husband and I would allow him to move back into the house. He took several hours to make the call and get the job back, but he did it and the plan was to go back to work on Monday. This was all taking place on Thursday afternoon. On Thursday night around 10:30 pm, I received information from someone that cut me deep. It resulted in the following conversation between myself and my son via email (I’ve replaced names with “son” and “girlfriend”:
Son, I’ve been up most of the night doing a lot of thinking. This is going to come off harsh and maybe it is, but I have to say this and take it however you need to but it is what it is. I received confirmation last night of something that had been concerning me for a while. Girlfriend seemed a little too quick to give me all the answers I wanted to hear about everything. A little to quick to give up information about whatever I asked. Always seeming to rollover on her mom or J or whoever to keep herself or you from getting in trouble. I don’t know Girlfriend. She is very new to me and to all of us. She has to earn a place of trust in our home and in our hearts. I know you have strong feelings for her. But last night, I received confirmation of some of my suspicions. I found out that while staying at my house over the past few weeks, Girlfriend has contacted others asking them to bring drugs to my house to get you and or her high and to “rescue” her from being at my house. So what I don’t understand is why someone who wants so bad to get clean would: 1 – need to be rescued from my house and 2 – want to get high and 3 – lie to my face about all of the above.
So with all of that said, this is where I’m at with all of this. Son, you are welcome to come back to my house and live and keep your job with Freddy. You alone. Not Girlfriend. If you come this will be your last and final chance we me. No more mess ups. And I take back what I said about making an exception for smoking Pot. I will not make an exception for that. I don’t make any exceptions for you sister and I’m not making any exceptions for you. You will be subject to random drug tests at my discretion. If you refuse a drug test when I tell you that you have to take one, you will be kicked out of my house. End of story. This time at my house will be REHAB for you. You will NOT have a phone. You will NOT have internet access. You may be an adult, but until you start acting like one, you are going to be treated like a kid. If you do not like these rules, you do not have to come live at my house. Husband will not wake you up in the mornings for work. You will get yourself up in the mornings and get ready for work ON TIME without him having to say anything to you. And if you fall asleep in the truck or on the job, he isn’t going to wake you up. You need to learn to stay awake at work. He isn’t going to babysit you anymore. You are an adult. It is time to start acting like one and being responsible.
You will give me your paycheck each week and I will give you an allowance for cigarettes and food. I will set you up on a budget so that you start saving toward getting your license back, toward getting a car and toward getting a place of your own. I will put your money in an account and give you an update of it any time you ask for it, but you will not be given this money to spend as you please. You are going to be forced to be responsible. Again, if you don’t like this plan, you don’t have to come live at my house. These are my rules. You have gone all of your life without having to accept responsibility for your actions and I am sick and tired of you blaming everyone else for your problems and for you not accepting the responsibility for your actions. This time you are going to man up and take responsibility and you are going to grow up once and for all and be the man that Son really is. I’m giving you the opportunity to do this. All you have to do is accept the challenge.
Girlfriend, your challenge is to go home to your mothers house and be a mother to your two daughters. You need to face your demons there. You need to face those girls, face your mother and face your fears head on and be a mother first of all and fight your sobriety without my son. But you are not coming back to live at my house again and you are not staying at my mothers house any longer.
To both of you…..you sobriety is NOT about you as a couple. It is about you INDIVIDUALLY. I’ve said this to each of you all along. And today, you have until 3:30 pm to make a decision. Son, if you want to go with me, it will be without Girlfriend. And if you chose not to go with me, you will need to find somewhere other than my mothers house to stay. She is not going to be your run-to rescue home every time something isn’t going your way. You also have the option of going to rehab – both of you. If that is the option you chose, I’ll be glad to give you the number, just let me know before 3:30 today.
You can be mad that I did this like this if you want, but I did it this way for two reasons. 1 – because I am at work and it’s hard for me to have a conversation like this over the phone and 2 – because I know you never would have let me say all of this without cussing me out hanging up on me. I love you Son, but you have to realize your sobriety is about you and only about you. If you do it for any reason other than yourself, it is never going to last. Same with Girlfriend. You can’t do it based on someone else. I love you and I just want what is best for you. If you went to rehab, you would get this same type of treatment. I’m just trying to do for you what needs to be done.
And to all of this…..this was son’s response to me….word for word…..exactly as it was written:
Whatever shut the fuck up with this self richous bullshit! I’m so tired of it. If me getting clean was allup to me then it wouldn’t happen. We are the ones keeping each other clean and until u quit acting like ur doing this for everyone else I’m not fucking speaking to u again
Go fuckin die somewhere
I’m fuckin sick of all ur god damn bull shit
My name is Julie. I’m 46 years old. I’m the mother of meth addict that I love very much. I share my stories in hopes that they may help others in the same or similar situations. I’ll never give up on my son and I pray that you never give up on yours either!