As I stated in my last post, I was the one counting the days of sobriety for my son as he did not feel the need for such ridiculous things as keeping track of how long he had been clean. After all, he is the one who doesn’t believe he has a problem. Well, I was hoping to write a great post on day 30 about how proud I was of him for making it to the first 30 days without messing up. But that didn’t happen.

First let me back up a little. Previously I was quite vague about who the man was that gave my son a place to live and a job and now I want to tell you a little more about this man and who he is and what he has been through in his life. I met this man about 5 years ago through some mutual friends. During the first few hours of meeting this man, I told him the story of how my son was dealing with drugs and about how my marriage had ended. He shared with me what was a very tragic story for his family. His only sister was killed by her own husband over drugs. But despite all of that, this man still offered to give my son a place to live and he put his name on the line for my son so that he could get a job. Knowing the effects that drugs can have on a person, this man did it anyway. Not for any fame or fortune, not for any pat on the back, but because he has a heart the size of Texas. He loves larger than any person I’ve ever met before and that is the main reason I married him. So yes, my son has been living in my home since July. But it has been different this time. This time he has been living under my husbands rules, not mine. And he has been abiding by those rules and all had been going quite well for almost 4 weeks.

I got up one morning and started to make my coffee. Something struck me as odd and I went into my sons bedroom to look for something. When I went in there I found what I will call “paraphernalia” in his room. I contacted my husband at work immediately and he confronted my son on the job. My son broke down and admitted to my husband that he had made a purchase from someone at work and had used the night before. My son seemed very regretful for his actions and seemed to want to get away from “that life” so after my husband and son talked about it, my husband called me back and told me that it had been handled and that I shouldn’t say anything else to him about it.

Well, that got this mama’s feather’s a little ruffled to say the least! I mean, come on now! My son does something like that in my house and I don’t even get to yell at him for it?!?!? Really???? AND I thought the original plan was that if he messes up just once, he is out? What happened to than plan, honey? Well, turns out that honey has a soft spot and decided that he deserved a second chance so that is what he gave him.

So the second chance was given on a Thursday. That meant he went to work on Friday. He fished with my husband on Friday night. They worked on Saturday and then he was free to do as he pleased for the rest of the weekend. Oh boy….here is where the story gets interesting! Hold on!! So on Saturday night, he makes a plan to go hang out with his new girlfriend and a buddy who has recently been released from jail. We told him we didn’t think it was a good idea to hang out with the buddy but since we are just there for guidance and not being his “warden” then he is free to make his own decisions, so he chose to go hang out with the buddy. Bad decision. Bad, bad decision.

Sunday night came around and he didn’t come home. I tried to reach him by phone and he wouldn’t answer. I knew he was using and he just wouldn’t answer because he didn’t want to acknowledge it to me. On Monday morning, when I got to work, I sent him a text and just simply told him that I loved him and that I will always love him and that I’m sorry that my love would never be enough to fix what he feels is wrong in his life and that I wished I could take the hurt and pain and confusion away from him. Shortly after sending the text, he contacted me back and asked if I would come talk to him. After a few texts messages back and forth, I finally agreed to meet him and talk to him. That meeting with him was one I will never forget.

I drove up to the motel where he was staying. He and his girlfriend walked outside and down to my car where I waited. He had such a serious look on his face. And for my son, that is difficult. He’s the one who is always laughing, cutting up and making every situation laughable. But this time, he didn’t have any “fun” in his face. It was all business. As he walked over to my car, he said, “I love you mom! I really do!” and tears started falling from his eyes. I said “I know you do son and I love you too. Talk to me about what is going on.” That’s when he dropped the bomb! He said, “She’s pregnant. I’m going to be a dad.” They even had a positive pregnancy test that they had done to show me. Talk about a slap in the face! I thought he was just going to tell me he was sorry for messing up again and that he really wanted to do better. I never expected him to tell me he was going to have a kid. I was enraged! I can’t even begin to explain the anger that overcame my mind and body at that moment! I jumped out of my car and began to beat my son with my fists! I beat on his chest and arms. He turned around and put his head down and I continued beating on his back as I just screamed and cried. I continued to beat on him until I had no energy left in my body. Then I just went and stood beside my car and cried into my hands. My son walked over to me and put his arms around me and told me that he loved me. I told him this isn’t how things work! You don’t go out and do drugs when you think you might be pregnant! I wasn’t mad that she was pregnant! I was mad that they did drugs knowing that she could possibly be pregnant! They took the chance of endangering the life of my grandchild and I was furious with them!!! I calmed down enough to call my husband and explain to him what was going on. My son got on the phone with him and asked if he could get his job back. My husband explained he would have to speak to the boss about it and would let him know. At that time, my son kissed me good bye and walked back into the motel and I drove away crying. I called my husband back crying asking how I was supposed to leaving my child and grandchild there like that, homeless, helpless and alone. He told me to go back and wait until he heard from the boss about the job so I did. In about 10 minutes he had received the call that my son was given another chance and would be allowed back at work the next day. So I texted my son and told him and his girlfriend to come get in my car. This time I took both of them home. Now I’m housing two recovering addicts and looking at the possibility of raising my grandchild.

Well, being the skeptical¬†mother that I’ve become with him, before we left the parking lot of the motel, I texted my 17 year old daughter and told her to go to the store and buy a pregnancy test when she got off work (poor thing gets stuck with all kinds of tasks like this – she had a guy from work go buy it for us). I wasn’t going to take the word of two “desperado’s” looking for a place to stay for the night or looking for someone to mooch off of on this one. I might be blonde, but I get mine from a box! There was going to be another test done and it was going to be done at my house with me present. So once my daughter got home it was time to send the girlfriend into the bathroom to take the test. By this time it had been several hours since the initial shock and we were actually starting to get excited about the idea of another grandchild. My husband has 7, but I don’t have any biological grandchildren yet. Plenty of time had passed and the girlfriend had not come out of the bathroom yet so I went to check on her. I knocked on the door and asked if she was okay. She opened the door and was crying. The test was negative. She said “I don’t understand, the one this morning was positive.” My son was both relieved and heartbroken at the same time. I told them that we would do another test in the morning since they are more accurate then and we would go by that one and we all went to bed. My husband and son got up at 4:30 am and went to work and us ladies got up at 6 and did a pregnancy test. Another negative response. I was so relieved, but at the same time I wondered what this was going to do to my son’s desire for sobriety. How was this going to effect him? We all sat down that night and had a long talk and they both said they wanted to get clean and stay clean and they wanted to do it together. So we set the ground rules and there we were back at the end of Day 1, again.

Only two weeks would pass by before the duo would decide they were ready to go out on a double date with a couple from the past. My son asked me if it was okay to which I replied “No, because he is a dealer and she uses and you have come too far and have way too much to risk being around people like that right now. You do what you think is best, but just remember if you lose your job this time you are both gone, no exceptions. I don’t want you to mess up. You are doing too well to give it all up son. I love you!” My sons response was simple. He replied “Thx. I got this mom.” And he never came back home.

So today, I’m here to tell you this…….

My name is Julie. I’m 46 years old. I’m the mother of meth addict.